Philadelphia Phillies: Rejected changes to the Phanatic

The Philadelphia Phillies just unveiled some subtle changes to the beloved Phanatic, a far cry from the major overhaul they were reportedly considering.

As the clock continues to tick on the legal dispute between the Philadelphia Phillies and a private company regarding control of the Phillie Phanatic, the Phils made some headlines this week when they announced that the Phanatic would have a new look going forward, one that was revealed to everyone on Sunday.

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You have to wonder if this was all in good faith, or if the Phillies consulted with experts and somehow made the Phanatic just different enough so that their legal claim to him (it?) would be stronger. Either way, we shouldn’t think too hard about it, and let’s just enjoy it and get accustomed to things.

Still, you have to wonder if the Phillies considered even more drastic appearances to the creature’s look. As it turns out, I have it on good authority that they did, which I’ll lay out for you.

• After conducting a feasibility study, the Phillies decided that, after all, they would not force backup catcher Andrew Knapp to wear the costume so that they could save money on payroll since Knapp isn’t needed in 95% of games. Tom Burgoyne, longtime “friend of the Phanatic”, will keep the position.
• The Phillies, despite backlash from the large-footed community, did not cave to pressure and reduce the Phanatic’s shoes from size 22 to a more reasonable size 11½. Those “bigfoots” will just have to keep on being offended, too bad.
• It was briefly discussed to just give him a baseball head and be done with it, but that’s lame. Who would ever do that? What an awful idea.
• Just make him orange and call it a day. It’s all the rage and way cooler.
• The Phillies refused overtures from the FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT SOME PANTS ON HIM committee. And so, the Phanatic will continue exposing himself to everyone in the same manner that he has for decades.
• Absent the baseball head, a concerted effort was made to upgrade the Phanatic’s hair. Decision makers wanted something even more ridiculous and whimsical looking. But Chris Wheeler wouldn’t lend his ‘piece for the costume, so the idea was nixed fairly early on.
• In what would have been an interesting twist, the Phanatic’s Phillies jersey was to be removed. He would then get a tattoo of that guy Dunphy encircling his belly button. But because this was nearly assured to induce sickened reactions by fans, food sales at the park were projected to go way down, so this was rightfully scrapped.

The Phillies did make one big change, however. Looking at the Phanatic’s eyes, you can see that they are bordered by star shapes. This is a nod to the people out there who are native Philadelphians and otherwise great people but who happen to be Cowboys fans, instantly rendering them total scum.

Why did the Phillies do this? One can’t be totally sure, but I have to think it’s meant to demonstrate that the Phanatic sees all of you. And he’s coming. That is, unless the Phillies are forced to stop using him. Then all bets are off.